Digging Up The Dead
Posted by , 4 Jan 2006, 12:35 AM
No I don't go to cemetaries digging up dead people. But I did realize that at time I would love to dig my husband up and hit him with a shovel. Funny their life is over and ghost or not they still haunt you!!! And you are still MAD!!!! Hence thedigging and hitting with the shovel.
At times I feel abandoned, in a ship wreck of an entire mess he created. Some where I think he should have been arrested and seized from destroying so many lives. But I guess there was no way. God finally took up the matter to stop him. it is only now I realize all the devastation. As though in the middle of the storm one can not really see all the damage. So here I am shipwrecked, and in shock.
Oh I have spent the last year of my life in shock, shock and disbelief this man could do what he's done. But now, since the word truth was never a word he was aquainted with, I need to find it. Why? Well to fit him into his place in history, yeah he will never get into a book, but my history, his. We all have history, his book closed but the story not yet done. Was he a hero? Or was he slime? Did he get HIV from working on the Ambulance? Or surgery as he claims? Or was he cheating? It is one of those things that I need to know. If I had actually caught him that would be one thing. Because if he was gay, though never wanting to acknowledge it, it makes a lie out of everything, 26 years of my life!!
My youngest is out and out convinced he was gay. He says it explains everything. I do not know. But I will tell you I spent the last year wanting to kill him but restraining myself.
Yeah and he never cared for his home either. And so that is also a mess.
Mostly I feel like ending it, he destroyed everything like a catagory 5 twister roaring through here. If you saw it you would concure. And so I have to salvage the pieces and make a life, now at 52 with all the struggles I have already had.
my pastor said at the funeral service that suffering is the means to move us from this life to the next, I guess kind of like labor pains. The suffering makes us let go so we can move on, I saw that easily with him. The suffering also aids the ones around us to let us leave and go. And I could see that as well.
Frankly, this aside, I have suffered enough. Try a life time of asthma- COPD. You will have your bags packed after a week!!!
So, I keep putting him back in the hole where he belongs, then digging him up to thrash him. I am tired. With too much to do, and alone, even when married to him, always alone. Maybe that was the answer right there!!!
Comments
www.yourforum.gr, 5 Jan 2006, 09:55 PM
LIgoddess53, 6 Jan 2006, 08:35 PM
what is done, is done.
accept your past, embrace your memories, but stop rewinding and playing that.
there are people that get married in 52 and make a new beginning, but you will need a different attitude to accomplish that
Moving on is an easy option for when your spouse dies of cancer, something he kept to himself. And to one abused, there are no memories to embrace, and that is what I had 26 years of abuse, very easy to say leave when you have your health, but even then I was uninsurable! I look for signs and indications of what was a lie and what was truth. Have not found much of that.
What's done is done is somethig you say about a bad game of golf, not getting HIV. It is a daily reminder of his deception, and lies. He did not get it as he claimed, because he only had it since 2002, when he gave it to me. So you can say what's done is done, when You have it thanks to your loving spouse, oh and then you still have to take care of them as they destroy the house, and your life.
There is no starting over when people stop speaking you and make you feel contaminated, and like YOU did something wrong!! Believe me I've heard it all!!!
what is done, is done.
accept your past, embrace your memories, but stop rewinding and playing that.
there are people that get married in 52 and make a new beginning, but you will need a different attitude to accomplish that