Being Used And Men On The Down Low

I was confused when after being alerted by my daughter that "something was going on with daddy". So I did what any self respecting wife would do I snooped. When he came home and was asleep I found condoms, lubricant, and gay magazines in his back pack. I shared this with my daughter, she showed me how to access his history on the computer, and he was hitting gay porn sites. Her idea was to swap the gay magazine out for a copy of Good Housekeeping, and say nothing. I how ever am more head on confrontational. But I was also confused. The first thing on your mind at this moment isn't the most dangerous thoughts, and so let this be a warning if you are standing in my shoes out there. Cheating and stabbing you in the back and wanting to KNOW what's up is on your mind. Of course if your relationship is "normal" at this point the horse has left the barn because of the open door, and it is much tooo late. HUH you ask? Your fate may be sealed by the kiss of death, you may already have HIV or been exposed.
I had seen a councelor today, and not something I like at all. It's over two years since my husband died, and Aids was nothing more than a blip on the radar, he was already dieing from working at ground zero, the world trade center. But it was with him mentioning that he must have been cheating, that Oprah, and Law & Order with in the same week dealt with men on "the down low". Just because you are drawn to men(for a guy of course) doesn't mean you like it. You can hate being gay, just as much as you hate being short or fat or even bald. There are apparently MANY men out there on the down low, who like staying in that closet. It was when I started writing to a friend that the words screamed into my head "HE USED YOU", as a crawl ran through my head that often after a gay encounter these men come home and are all over their wives to cleanse themselves from their compulsion. Almost prooving to themselves that they are not gay.
Ok so some will read this and say he's dead, it's over. Oh no it's not, I have AIDS because of him, that's murder. Dead woman walking here. My income has run out and I'm too sick to work. Thanks to him. But above all it is the lie he lived with for how long? And decieved me.
I always told my kids that lieing is bad, but it is dangerous when one believes their own lies. Being on the down low is just that, a big fat lie. And the wife is the one to suffer. And the kids as they watch their parents die.
I don't know how long he lived this lie. But hell has a hot spot with his name on it for sure.