LIgoddess53's Blog
LIgoddess53's Blog

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Reclaiming Normal

Posted by LIgoddess53, 23 Jul 2008, 02:18 PM

Think of your life is a ship, rolling across the ocean, smooth sailing though you manage to weather some storms. All of a sudden your ship is capsized throwing you and everything else over board. The cold water at first is shocking. Spend too much time in there and hypothermia takes over, when the body looses it's ability to retain it's own heat. Even if the water is in the 80 to 90 degree range, you still will lose body heat.
Most any tragedy can cause this shock. I was pleased to watch an Allstate Insurance commercial a few years ago when the narrator, holding a teddy bear explained at times when kids loose everything they just needed one thing to hold on to to make the kids life feel normal. And Allstate was giving teddy bears out to kids to try to give these kids a piece of normal, after a tornado took everything away. Or a Hurricane, or flood. Or even a fire. We all need these teddy bears. We all need that piece of normal, no matter how insane it seems, we need that normal to give us the message in something more than words, everything will be ok.
My life has been hit by a runaway train, the boat capsized, and everything turned up side down. I have had a run of things happening to me that would drive others insane. My husband getting sick and dieing, giving me HIV, no income, unable to work, had to redo my kitchen because my husband destroyed it. My father sinking into dementia, my sister going through half a million in 3 years(my father's money), my daughter beating me up, and then stealing from me. MY heating unit dieing, having the house repaired, and the latest, my air conditioner dieing. That is just the high lights.
This week, after 3 years I moved my big kitchenaid mixer back into the kitchen, and used it for the first time in over 3 years. Just having it sit on the counter(oh yes while I was in the hospital in May my kitchen was cleaned, and things moved, thrown out and hidden) gave me a feeling of peace that has been missing since that boat capsized.
Another part to that was my daughter, and stealing, had taken a few glasses that she knew were dear to me. Water goblets I started to use when I had to force down water because of my lung condition. I went a little nutty when I found they were missing. She didn't take the wine glasses I didn't want, but the water goblets I loved. Well guess what? It is the cheap stuff in life that is worth more than waterford crystal because sooner or later they stop making it and then they can't be replaced.
So darlin's if you know someone going through any sort of tragedy, you need be more than just a friend, be the teddy bear. Do anything to give them a sense and feeling of normal. Make their favorite food, or a favorite you make for them. Get them a teddy bear, or find that teddy bear in their life you can help replace. You will find the blessing in their smile.


On The Lighter Side, Yes I Lost 100 Pounds

Posted by LIgoddess53, 22 Jul 2008, 12:10 AM

I have had a theory on weight and weight loss for a long time. It's a planetary thing. See it's like this, there are so many Chinese, and Indians(not the native American kind) and so many less of the rest of us, that we have to carry more weight to balance out the planet. If we suddenly all loose weight here in The US, we are liable to throw the planet off balance, and go hurling off into the universe. Or crash into Mars which ever suits your purpose, and makes you laugh.
My second theory is for every one who looses weight someone has to gain it. So right now I am about a hundred pounds shy, and I do not know the reciever of such good fortune. I'll send them some skin to go with it so their's doesn't have to strech so much. No it is not from my condition, and I lost it slow. Twenty pounds here, and 20 pounds there. There was also another 50 I lost before my husband died as well, and that was from stopping taking prednisone, a very bad drug.
How did I loose all this? Well first, my husband died. No it wasn't from missing him. It was more like him not bugging me all the time. Do you know how much it bugged him my loosing the first fifty? I stopped eating everything I was allergic to and the weight just fell off, and he was all up set, someone might steal me away from him. The rest came with no one being home on a regular basis and not having a reason to cook. My daughter was big on cooking with her boy friend, but then she beat me up and left home. Yes her hostilities blaming me for her father's death(do not even ask she is mentally ill in my opinion). Then the boys are rarely home so who needs to cook? Well I have been excited over the last 40 pounds, but then my clothes are falling off.
I also have a theory that it is always, reguardless of what they say, better to have that extra weight, because in times of famine, we will out last everyone. And in times like this with sickness, we will still out last every one!!! Now I only need to know if only one person gets all my lost weight OR is it evenly distributed. Not used to this side, but it sets my doctor to laughing and he can always use a good laugh. This all relates to Einstein's theory of relativity, your relatives will always make you eat to much.


Being Used And Men On The Down Low

Posted by LIgoddess53, 10 Jul 2008, 09:27 PM

I was confused when after being alerted by my daughter that "something was going on with daddy". So I did what any self respecting wife would do I snooped. When he came home and was asleep I found condoms, lubricant, and gay magazines in his back pack. I shared this with my daughter, she showed me how to access his history on the computer, and he was hitting gay porn sites. Her idea was to swap the gay magazine out for a copy of Good Housekeeping, and say nothing. I how ever am more head on confrontational. But I was also confused. The first thing on your mind at this moment isn't the most dangerous thoughts, and so let this be a warning if you are standing in my shoes out there. Cheating and stabbing you in the back and wanting to KNOW what's up is on your mind. Of course if your relationship is "normal" at this point the horse has left the barn because of the open door, and it is much tooo late. HUH you ask? Your fate may be sealed by the kiss of death, you may already have HIV or been exposed.
I had seen a councelor today, and not something I like at all. It's over two years since my husband died, and Aids was nothing more than a blip on the radar, he was already dieing from working at ground zero, the world trade center. But it was with him mentioning that he must have been cheating, that Oprah, and Law & Order with in the same week dealt with men on "the down low". Just because you are drawn to men(for a guy of course) doesn't mean you like it. You can hate being gay, just as much as you hate being short or fat or even bald. There are apparently MANY men out there on the down low, who like staying in that closet. It was when I started writing to a friend that the words screamed into my head "HE USED YOU", as a crawl ran through my head that often after a gay encounter these men come home and are all over their wives to cleanse themselves from their compulsion. Almost prooving to themselves that they are not gay.
Ok so some will read this and say he's dead, it's over. Oh no it's not, I have AIDS because of him, that's murder. Dead woman walking here. My income has run out and I'm too sick to work. Thanks to him. But above all it is the lie he lived with for how long? And decieved me.
I always told my kids that lieing is bad, but it is dangerous when one believes their own lies. Being on the down low is just that, a big fat lie. And the wife is the one to suffer. And the kids as they watch their parents die.
I don't know how long he lived this lie. But hell has a hot spot with his name on it for sure.


The Secret

Posted by , 21 May 2007, 04:36 PM

One of the books I am currently reading is The Secret. I actually missed most of what was said about it on several of Oprah's Shows. I bought it when my sister in law mentioned it, and I bought her a copy for her birthday and one for me.
So what can I say about the secret? The basis is that we attract what we are thinking or feeling and when bad things happen it's because we focus on it.
Well that sounds nice for adults but I was an innocent kid when things went wrong. I didn't think of anything when I couldn't breathe, except, how will I get the next breath of air.
The book bases alot on positive thinking and that when you are thinking positive good things happen. And that when you focus on what you don't want that is when it happens, all the bad stuff comes flying at you like a big magnet.
Personally all I know is my father will show up every time I am set to leave my house and do things. And when nothing is happening, can't find him.


Letting The Evil Out

Posted by , 15 May 2007, 07:25 PM

The evil that seeped into my house must have done so long ago and was trapped by asbsetos and aluminum sidings. When they finally got the house to near the bare bones all it's secrets were exposed. All it's history revealed. We found termite damage by the back door and it was as bad as I thought it would be, climbing up the wall. The door an impossible 28 inches should be replaced but might not be so easy.
How ever all of this has taken it's toll on my youngest. Gracie a Soft coated Wheaton terrior, the quietest dog I ever owned. She does not like the banging and hammering though and has gotten vocal, making all of us laugh.
My wild life refuge will soon be closed, the squirrels have fled except for one I call "Pete". Pete is just a baby, complete with baby face. He's not really afraid of us. He leaned on a basement window and fell in when my son was doing wash. Joel ran and got the have a heart trap to catch Pete(then unnamed) and send him on a trip, out side. When Joel did catch Pete, he was not all upset about the cage and didn't want to leave when it was time. I told my son he is now a wild life facilatator. The squirrel was ready to get back in the house.
A few days later he was hanging on the window over the kitchen sink. He was looking for a way in. "AWWWW he misses you" I said to my son as he chased him.
Pete tried several other windows with no luck. He made the mistake of landing on my daughter's window, and had a Gracie encounter. Pete doesn't like Gracie, let's keep it that way!!!!


Who Walks The Squirrel?

Posted by , 6 Oct 2006, 10:59 PM

A very unfortunate event here today. I walked out to my car to be faced with a squirrel lying belly up on my side walk. He was perfectly in tact, lying on his back like he was sleeping. He had the misfortune of doing this AFTER the garbage man came, so he could sleep his endless sleep at the dump a few miles away.
So now what do I do with this flea infested fly trap? I swear he looks like a big joke some one left there perfectly arranged. We are not supposed to bury animals on our properties. I know of a few people when excavating will be surprized with a few horses, and a few goats( the goats a contribution to the eco system, although it still makes me wonder why he buried them on his father- in - laws property.
My daughter's friend was told there is a team, GOT that TEAM, of horses buried somewhere on her parents place. I think the story was the milkmans horses all died at once, so they just buried them where they were. Nice surprize.
But still this rodent is sitting on my side walk looking like he's just taking a nap. His fleas are running around saying something about a sinking ship. He looks like he just fell out of the tree. Must have been scared off by those freaking Keebler Elves.
Well RIP Rockey, where ever you are. Oh wait still on the walk. Will somebody please take the squirrel for a walk?
PS: The squirrel managed to "move " several times but always mysteriously landing back in his original impact with the concrete. I was getting unnerved by him. So I was about to offer a bounty on the squirrels final resting place. I was going to ask the daughter's boy friend when I found out they were sitting in his car a few feet away. Their afternoon pass time watching the people passing the squirrel. Some crossed the street to avoid him. Well later when I presented the bounty, my industrious 24 year old grabbed a plactic bag and proceeded to send him off to his final resting place. After the garbage man came the next morning, every one was asked, did you see him? Is he really gone? Now I had shared this with a close friend. I went to ship his birthday gift and found a card cut out in the shape of the squirrel on the front. In side it just said "GO NUTS" and so I sent him the card with Happy Birthday wishes and one last message. "I found a way to get rid of the squirrel, happy birthday". He laughed so hard he dropped the card!!! But it worked!!!


Ground Zero: Call To Arms Part 2

Posted by , 6 Sep 2006, 10:10 PM

If any one wants to repost and take on this challenge with me please repost and use what I write as you see fit. Someone expressed interest to my call to arms, and I give permission for you to use that as well.
9/11 and the nightmares created by a supposed minority are not over yet. People who volunteerd their lives and time have not just lost their lives that day but have been suffering ever since that day. And no one gives too much of a damn, not our Government at best. Better watch out Mr President, you were there, and did not have a mask on for you big photo opportunity to grand stand, so you could be next!!! 70%, NOW did you get that 70% of the men and women who were down their helping are now gravely ill and their families are seriously suffering. No one was prepared for this five years later we sit in several life boats trying not to drown in the debt and shock of this Titanic. 70% of the firefighters, cops, electricians, rescue workers who responed to the tragedy of the collapse of the trade center are now suffering from serious lung damage, cancers, and in my husbands case and others as well they have died as a result of working down their. There is no thanks in being a hero, just the shock that this is really what killed him. He must have contracted mercury, and cadmium poisioning from working there like many others. He died with his lungs deteriorating and severe dementia and no one did anything to help. He was often misdiagnosed, and the efforts to track these people in some cases is a little too late. And frankly it would have been nice if we could have prepared for this.
This is total injustice for those who did the right thing and gave their lives and the world sits by and does nothing. Nothing to help the grieving, and wornout famlies who took care of these men while doctors, in this day of computers, sat by and did nothing when told, "he was at ground zero".
My husband came home covered in the dust from the world trade center, he was covered from head to toe, even though he was supposed to be in hazmat suits, and wearing masks. His illnesses started with in a few weeks later with sinus and ear infections, more trouble with his lung and his brilliant mind slowly slipping away. NO ONE knew what to do? They put him into a data base there in the city, and he showed up afew times with his complaints. But when he got really sick, there was no connection with the Long Island Doctors an the registry in the city. I wonder why? We have computers for God's sake, once registered, every doctor thattreats him should be logging into that data bank reporting on every little thing wrong with that person.
A class action suit was started for if I am not mistaken, 80,000 people caught up in this nightmare. And it is just beginning. It was the major news item yesterday, Sept. 5, 2006, in the New York area, and the fire spread through out the country. This could have been handled so much better, if not for the blind who did not want to see this. Well you can't sweep this dust under the rug.


Answers

Posted by , 25 Jul 2006, 05:52 PM

I was the kid who wanted answers, to the point of driving you insane maybe. But still I never took anyone's word for anything and have to find the answers myself. Maybe because I'd been lied to so much. When they told me in Sunday School that miracles were things that happened back in the days of yore, I said why? Did God put a time limit? See I believed what God said, and still do, people I have a big problem with more so if they are "doctors". Modern medicine is no longer about cures but how much money can we make, and how many people can we addict to our products so we have a life time supply of their money. It is more sorcery and witchcraft than it ever was. And hey surgeons love to cut,so they can keep up the life stile, says the woman with 2 torn toator cuffs, one having had surgery the other not. I don't see the difference!!!!
There were other answers I kept asking, but the doctor's arrogance kept telling me that Ground zero had nothing to do with my husband's condition. Well it had everything to do with him dieing!!!!!
But there have been other questions still. How the hell did he get HIV? He lied non stop, even with dementia. Answers came for one event I hounded him about for over 25 years, and it turned out my instincts were correct and he lied. So I just took everything on my instincts that he did for a fact cheat. But still there were questions.
Answers some times come from where we least expect them. My logic about his response in reguarding testing was, he knew he had it and that is why he was so mad at them testing him. Because if you are sure your clean, where is the fuss? Do the test and get it over with! No his claim that it had to wait because my mother had died just then, sounded dumb!!! It was!!! Actually at the grave he was right up there next to my father, staring right into the hole. Had I known he had given it to me right then I would have just shoved him right in with a big oops!!! And let them cover him up. Cruel? Well how is what he did justified?
The answers came last night on a show called the CLOSER, great show. They were investigating a murder, found out the porn star had HIV, ran down that road, and found out he falsefied his work tests. Wife gave them life insurance results. So their logic was if he sent someone to take his work related tests, why did he just run in and do the insurance tests? Why not send his guy in? And then bells were ringing in my head, that was my logic with my husband. See the guy in the show had no idea he was HIV pos, so he just went in and took the test(he was told he was clean a few days before). A person who has nothing to worry about just walks in and does the test. But a person who knows would be avoiding it. And my husband was avoiding it, and when they told him, he refused to tell me. The doctor had to round about tell me, without telling me because it was against the law for him to tell me. But I knew what the message meant. I had to hound him to get him to tell me and even then it was "they think I have it," the doc could then talk and think was not the word used. And so bugging me to death like an itchy rash I had to know. Well he lied about not cheating, claiming it must have been the surgery(14 years before), but I had proof it was not so long ago. I had a negitive test in 2002, positive in 2005.
So I now have proof he lied in the beginning, and he lied in the end. And every where in between. He lied about how he got it, lied that he didn't cheat, lied that he didn't know and NEVER said he was sorry for giving it to me. Which, according to the show's logic and mine, an innocent man just walks right into the test, not a peep out of him in protest. The guilty one kicks and screams all the way to the testing. And so folks if you ever wonder about any partner, there is your answer.
Use your instincts, see through lies. I have lived in one for too long, now I am ready to take a full page add out in the news and tell the world this was a dangerous man.


A Call To Arms!

Posted by , 2 Jun 2006, 03:28 AM

I posted this bulletin on Myspace and pretty much every where I could post it. I am angry over an article in the news today about all the people suffering after helping at the site of the World TRade Center. I am furious the the arrogant doctors that took care of my husband never told us there was a doctor at that hospital taking care of WTC workers. So my husband was over looked, yet this doctor should have been called in. And wasn't.

my posting

To all who read this, please copy and repost let all of America know what is going on up here in shadow of the World Trade Center.

September 11 2001 is a day that our nation was changed forever. Like the other landmark days in the History of this great nation it is a tragedy that changed all who watched, listened and were there. Television made this day a reality for everyone through out the world, and the world held it's breath as we watched the Twins collapse.
To the credit of many who did all that they could, they ran, they walked, they flew to the site of this great disaster and lended a hand whether it was their job or not. They volunteered to do everything that they could, it was the greatest moment in this nations history as well. Everyone felt they had to do something.
And now we are faced with having to meet the challenge again. We do not know how many have been effected and infected by the dust from that debris. The fact that former Governer of New Jersey Christine Todd Whittman resigned her office with the EPA over this issue is telling. The air in New York City was NOT SAFE in the days following the disaster. As everyone was told.
And so the death bell tolls over and over again as we now find more and more men who were infected with that debris and dust. yeah they had suits to put over their clothes but my husband still came home white with the dust from ground zero, on his coat, and covering his shoes.
His sinus infections started, like many others with in weeks. What was ignored was the other developements with his lungs, and even his brain. His lungs which had been stable got worse, the sinus infections repeated, and his mind was slowly going from the dust at ground zero, until he had a stroke December 2004, and they discovered his brain had already atrophied. He fell into dementia just a month or so later, but all the signs were there for a long time before.
The dust at Ground zero contained mercury, which disolves lung tissue, and if the mercury enters the brain will cause symptoms like alzheimers. There were traces of cadmium, which also disolves lung tissue. And also traces of lead, not to even mention asbestos and the other hazards. ABC News did an investigative report.
Every one from our fearless leader on down is sticking their heads in the sand in giving aid and help to the families of these men who gave their lives to work and help in the after math of this great tragedy.
My husband was a Local 3 Electrician, who volunteered his time to splice wires to give them light to work by, and he helped in the rescue efforts as well.
We need to wake up the nation again. We need to get congress moving to do something for the men and their famlies.
And Mr President, all the great doctors at your disposal will never reverse the effects to the dust you were exposed to either. Cause YOU WERE THERE, and YOU can succomb to this as well.
Copy and repost. If you feel moved to help, send this to your congressman and ask, what are we doing about this?


The president is looking to cut any funding for these people.


Out Of The Loop

Posted by , 23 Apr 2006, 02:47 AM

kolobok.blush.gif default.blink.gif ize.think.gif

Really? Ever find you THINK you know someone and then there seems to be a whole lot YOU HAVE NO CLUE about? Well Myspace has these comment boxes on your page. For the most part they can be a nice way to drop some one alittle picture or good wishes. Then again they are used by many females to stake out territory. One friend who is a muscian and has a ton of beautiful women on his page one lamented that one woman was mad at him for something he had no control over, mainly what some other woman said. I told him to pay attention to what these women are actually doing, they are staking a claim. NOW it's funny it's gotten to that point on his page since he has complete control over what is accepted and posted and NOT!!!! But he is a poor man and does not catch on too fast. So I wised him up!!! Tom babe, see that comment there? She is implying that there is more going on than meets the eye, THAT is why the other one was so angry and sending him emails of the like.
Another male friend was all up set when this one girl who he had hoped he would be dating, completely with drew from him. He said I don't get it? I don't under stand? Why? I said did you ever read your comments? Here you are telling her you care for her she's the only one and the comments these women post make it sound like you are sleeping with each one. Not to mention his answers on some of the surveys. Many of these comments clearly belong in an email because they are of an very personal nature, and not to be displayed in public. Now some have never sent an email and just communicate by comment, but that should not be. A special "HI" and a picture is fine, but to insinuate something, well that seems to be what they do, insinuate "I"M closer than you are " just to make it seem that they are the one. Believe me I've been put off by many of these comments, until I caught wise. See I AM the one he trusted with a lot of things very close to his heart, because he is my soul twin.
Well you could say that is a major problem with Myspace, but it does happen here too. I often feel intimidated to leave a comment on many things because I don't feel like part of the loop. One of my great friends here knew that and got me on IM and sent me to a million places wanting MY comments. It was the most kind and wonderful thing he ever did, and you KNOW who you are!!!!! But sometimes, we look at things from the out side in. And we are all out of the loop!!!


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